Hoes Love Rotel

Hoes love rotel. This is a universal truth, but this one delicious delicacy is not the only thing hoes love. Now being the whoremonger that I am, I have decided to dedicate to a rare blogpost to the 21st century whore. Before we continue, I'll admit beforehand I do NOT know where the hoes are. Nobody does. Everybody is aware that hoes exist and that the roam the earth in large numbers, like cockroaches, but their exact location is always a mystery. Hoes do like to claim big cities but thats a whole 'nother conversation. Anyways, without further adieu, here are some more things hoes love.

1. Jesus


Jesus had dreads, so shake em. P.S. Hoes love dreads too.

Yes, I said Jesus. Hoes love that nigga. If she gotta bible verse in her twitter bio I can almost assure you she's had at least two trains run on her in the past five years. Don't argue with me, just accept it. Yes she tweets about how powerful The Rock's bible study is every Tuesday, but guess what she's doing afterwards? If you answered "juggling a nigga's balls while he watches Harlem Nights for the 83rd time" you deserve a prize. You may think I'm lying but take a hoe to church next Sunday and you'll get incredible mouf service on the way home. Thank me later.

2. Zodiac Bullshit


Hey hoes, I'm a cancer...you know what that means ;)

You're an Aires. She's a Pisces. What does that mean?

A. You both know your birthdays.
B. These dates have no bearing on the availability of her box.

The first account she followed was @ZodiacFacts and her twittascope pops up without fail everyday at 5:47 am. That's nice and all, but when she's drunk and horny, and you're the last nigga in her text message inbox, all that zodiac shit has absolutely no bearing on her decision to come over your house and serve up that sloppy top.

3. Smiley Faces


I sent that bitch a smiley face. Bitches love smiley faces. - Ed Wuncler

You could have the intelligence quotient of a young Forrest Gump, but if you know how to type in ":)" and ";)" on your phone, you too are capable of getting in them guts.

The following is an excerpt from an actual text conversation from the past month:

Me: :)
Hoe: Hey there ;)
Me: wuzzam...dont play wit them winky faces unless u tryna fuck tho
Hoe: lol ;) you're crazy what are you doing?
Me: tryna see wut dat mouf talmbout ;)
Hoe: lol :D where are you?
Me: waitin on u ;)
Hoe: ok ill call you after church lets out ;P

Long story short...she called. We fucked. Point proven.
P.S. I don't have an iphone so I don't have emoji, but if I did, I would never use actual words again. Hoes REALLY love emoji.

4. Drake/Trey Songz/Webbie/Wiz Khalifa


I guess this pic was taken before he told Rocsi "I gotta kang sized bed and a kang sized dick."

I'm not exactly sure what these artists have in common. None of them can sing, but thats about it. Nevertheless, if she has all four of these artists in heavy rotation she's probably been in a threesome or two. And if she has "Practice" as her ringtone go ahead and add her to your "cumguzzler" circle on Google+. She's lost...in spite of that refrain from offering her directional assistance. Just tell her you're "tryna use a rubber 2nite" and watch the legs open sesame.

5. Teams (Triple entendre don't ask me how)


There's a reason why at least 7 women have allowed this nigga to fuck unsheathed and its not because of his dashingly good looks.

Ok...maybe not entendre...but let's break this down.

A. Hoes love sports
They love athletic niggas' bodies. They love niggas with the status college/pro athletes have. They love balls. They may or may not enjoy watching the game, but they love niggas who love to watch the game. So they'll watch the game and act like they love it.

B. Hoes love jerseys
Really not even a jersey...just a piece of fabric with a logo and a number. So you walk around campus with an embroidered bandana? Yes, you will recruit some bops off that bandana alone.

C. Hoes love claiming random shit
So your bio reads "#TeamBlasian #TeamFreakyFreakyBadBitch #TeamIndpendent #TeamIntelligent"...and I read "#TeamSheMayBeTooStupidToSpellIndependentCorrectlyButSheSwallowsThough"

That's all I've got for now. I'm fully aware that there are some items that left off of the list but I've only got so much attention I can devote to blogging when there are bottles of liquor to be consumed. I am by no means a "hoe expert" so if you feel like I missed something integral feel free to tweet me with your insight. Merry Christmas.