IT'S COMING.

SOUNDS OF BLACKNESS



We Here.

Fuck Wimme (Lil B Voice).

Sneak Preview:

Hoes Love Rotel

Hoes love rotel. This is a universal truth, but this one delicious delicacy is not the only thing hoes love. Now being the whoremonger that I am, I have decided to dedicate to a rare blogpost to the 21st century whore. Before we continue, I'll admit beforehand I do NOT know where the hoes are. Nobody does. Everybody is aware that hoes exist and that the roam the earth in large numbers, like cockroaches, but their exact location is always a mystery. Hoes do like to claim big cities but thats a whole 'nother conversation. Anyways, without further adieu, here are some more things hoes love.

1. Jesus


Jesus had dreads, so shake em. P.S. Hoes love dreads too.

Yes, I said Jesus. Hoes love that nigga. If she gotta bible verse in her twitter bio I can almost assure you she's had at least two trains run on her in the past five years. Don't argue with me, just accept it. Yes she tweets about how powerful The Rock's bible study is every Tuesday, but guess what she's doing afterwards? If you answered "juggling a nigga's balls while he watches Harlem Nights for the 83rd time" you deserve a prize. You may think I'm lying but take a hoe to church next Sunday and you'll get incredible mouf service on the way home. Thank me later.

2. Zodiac Bullshit


Hey hoes, I'm a cancer...you know what that means ;)

You're an Aires. She's a Pisces. What does that mean?

A. You both know your birthdays.
B. These dates have no bearing on the availability of her box.

The first account she followed was @ZodiacFacts and her twittascope pops up without fail everyday at 5:47 am. That's nice and all, but when she's drunk and horny, and you're the last nigga in her text message inbox, all that zodiac shit has absolutely no bearing on her decision to come over your house and serve up that sloppy top.

3. Smiley Faces


I sent that bitch a smiley face. Bitches love smiley faces. - Ed Wuncler

You could have the intelligence quotient of a young Forrest Gump, but if you know how to type in ":)" and ";)" on your phone, you too are capable of getting in them guts.

The following is an excerpt from an actual text conversation from the past month:

Me: :)
Hoe: Hey there ;)
Me: wuzzam...dont play wit them winky faces unless u tryna fuck tho
Hoe: lol ;) you're crazy what are you doing?
Me: tryna see wut dat mouf talmbout ;)
Hoe: lol :D where are you?
Me: waitin on u ;)
Hoe: ok ill call you after church lets out ;P

Long story short...she called. We fucked. Point proven.
P.S. I don't have an iphone so I don't have emoji, but if I did, I would never use actual words again. Hoes REALLY love emoji.

4. Drake/Trey Songz/Webbie/Wiz Khalifa


I guess this pic was taken before he told Rocsi "I gotta kang sized bed and a kang sized dick."

I'm not exactly sure what these artists have in common. None of them can sing, but thats about it. Nevertheless, if she has all four of these artists in heavy rotation she's probably been in a threesome or two. And if she has "Practice" as her ringtone go ahead and add her to your "cumguzzler" circle on Google+. She's lost...in spite of that refrain from offering her directional assistance. Just tell her you're "tryna use a rubber 2nite" and watch the legs open sesame.

5. Teams (Triple entendre don't ask me how)


There's a reason why at least 7 women have allowed this nigga to fuck unsheathed and its not because of his dashingly good looks.

Ok...maybe not entendre...but let's break this down.

A. Hoes love sports
They love athletic niggas' bodies. They love niggas with the status college/pro athletes have. They love balls. They may or may not enjoy watching the game, but they love niggas who love to watch the game. So they'll watch the game and act like they love it.

B. Hoes love jerseys
Really not even a jersey...just a piece of fabric with a logo and a number. So you walk around campus with an embroidered bandana? Yes, you will recruit some bops off that bandana alone.

C. Hoes love claiming random shit
So your bio reads "#TeamBlasian #TeamFreakyFreakyBadBitch #TeamIndpendent #TeamIntelligent"...and I read "#TeamSheMayBeTooStupidToSpellIndependentCorrectlyButSheSwallowsThough"

That's all I've got for now. I'm fully aware that there are some items that left off of the list but I've only got so much attention I can devote to blogging when there are bottles of liquor to be consumed. I am by no means a "hoe expert" so if you feel like I missed something integral feel free to tweet me with your insight. Merry Christmas.

Penetration (From "u remind me of the color purple")

lazarus g. Othello (the g stands for grandiose)

I hate to be too forward but please bear with me
I'd love to introduce you to the bear that resides in me...
Not normally of natURe but I'd love to release the beast that'll leave you weak like Greg Oden's knees
Strugglin to breathe...
Unable to speak...
Such an amazing feat that only occurs with me...I think.
I can't stand being too repetitive but I've been blessed with a natural sedative that'll leave you unconscious quicker than chloroform...
Similar to Captain Nemo I wanna explore 20,000 leagues under your sea...
No pleasure p.
But this pleasurous p will leave you in such a sublime pyschadelic state, with each glorious return you may think it's the Second Coming...
third or forth, back and forth, I just push forward until there's no more...
exhilarate to eradicate, stimulate to eviscerate
Leave it in ruins like Pompeii or Machu Picchu precipitate-
ING. nah precipitation, which leads to infiltration...
You wetter than the Mississippi
But I bathed in the Euphrates when dawns were young, so it ain't no biggie.
I'm not Louis Creed, but I'll kill the kitty...
Greedy.

Stimulation (From the Unreleased Collection "u remind me of the color purple")

lazurus g. Othello (the g stands for greatest)

You scared...you aint bout dat life
It's ok baby girl lemme ease your mind
look at it and play with it...touchin it
no tastin it though this ain't no Hannibal flow
but allow me to go where no man has gone before...
Hol Up.
See I'm
attemptin to find ways to make you so hot that in comparison the Alabama summer heat feels cooler that an autumn breeze
So hot that in the middle of the winter you gotta fall down on your knees yellin out "please....please....please...."
Now thats what James Brown would call a cold sweat.
You wet yet?
Probably not but don't fret, I'll help you sweat...
since you hot and all.
Got your mind all over the place and your thoughts runnin wild; they bound to perspire at some point.
Perspiration turns into a cooling sensation; running down your spinal cord...
yeah you got chills all over...
Now you cant help but clench your fist and curl your toes
Its way too hard to breathe out your nose
so you let it out...
#WHEW.
Senses going haywire while your subconscious wants to act on these desires that your conscience won't allow
Let me take you higher; now I've never been a big flyer but I'ma fan of that loud
And your body is screamin' out right now...

new freestyle

I call this a drake freestyle cuz i wrote it down just like he types on his blackberry haha...anyways enjoy.

B.M.F. (found on Rick Ross new mixtape the Albert Anastasia EP...download that NOW)

my name is big kinsey all these lil niggas fear me
u gotta problem wit me fuck a knife go head and kill me
cuz i hold grudges like ingram holds footballs
never drop them hoes unless u talkin bout them bombs
frustration level risin yall done woke up the beast
wake up everyday tempted to knock out niggas teeth
leave u wit a gap lookin like mike strahan
attitude so primal yall should call me caveman
ya hoe calls me captain im steerin her ship
claim that she ur girl but i been all up in her shit
go head take the loss pussy nigga fuckin quit
cuz ur actions are directionless ur so irrelevant
bitch im the man...i i im the man
and i go apeshit on the track like a black tarzan
hoes say my name in bunches...duran duran
now i got crazy niggas outchea stalkin me like stan
sendin all these threats...letters in the mail
they see me in streets...shit u would never tell
that they harbor so much hate cuz all their smiles are fake
boostin up my ego tellin me im great
ha naw thats a lie...i cant deny
that i been thinkin im the best since 1985
didnt even leave the womb til 1987
told the gyno "u jus held greatness ya ur fuckin welcome"
dapped up my pops...gave mom a hug
told the nurse "its bedtime...im sleepy den a mug"
right then and there...i met ur dumbass daughter
we aint talk that much...she loved to whoop and holler
she was far too immature so i had to drop her
she loved that baby food...and she loved to swallow
funny how its been so long and she still loves to swallow
but now its baby juice...and she never gargles
i started crawlin in 2 months then walked the next day
i never let em feed me carrots only ate steak
little body grown appetite i cleaned my plates
and i still love to eat thats y im so big today
i met ya moms in high school she used to teach me chem
and she had some nice breastisis i loved them
fucked her in the office left on the intercom
so alla spain park heard me choppin down ya moms

rules regarding smiley faces

i know i aint been on this bitch in a while so let me apologize for my absence. with that out the way...i really need to touch on the subject of smiley faces. smiley faces are commonly used nowadays, whether its on aim, bbm, twitter, fb, etc. now i enjoy smiley faces as much as the next man, and i kno "bitches love smiley faces" thru watching the boondocks; however, incorrect smiley face use has run rampant recently. here are the mothafuckin rules on smiley faces...

1. :) = an all purpose smiley face...it may be used at all times whether to actually show happiness, to serve as an end to a sarcastic statement, or to jus make a pretty offensive statement sound much nicer than it is. the only problem with the :) smiley is when it is coupled with the LOL. due to trey songz summertime hit, LOL :) should not be used unless it is sent to a person that you plan on having sexual intercourse with.

2. ;) and :p = the most suggestive of the smiley faces...please dont use these faces unless you desire some sort of "interaction"...especially when it comes to dudes. i have noticed rampant abuse of the ;) smiley face in my own twitter conversations and i have tried to warn young ladies multiple times the dangers of using this face in vain. after this post, i feel like there should be no more confusion regarding this matter and if ya'll continue to abuse the winky smiley...you deserve what is coming to you. i feel like the reason why you should not use the :p face is also obvious...unless you desire to use your tongue for some purprose pertaining to the person you are conversing with. PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT ABUSE THESE FACES. excuse my volume.

3. :| = disappointment or indifference...this is my personal favorite but its one of the more bland smiley faces. i just put it on here for publicity purposes.

4. :( = sadness...i prefer to only use this face to feign sadness to make someone else feel bad. i dont actually like using the :( smiley (or frowney depending on how you look at it) but its still helpful so...whatever who cares.

5. there are plenty of other smiley faces to use, i really just wanted to cover the ;) and ;p epidemic because people really don't understand what they are doing and it needs to stop. and if you send ;p...hopefully you have already removed articles of clothing because you are asking for shit to pop off asap.

6. probably the most important rule regarding smiley faces...NIGGAS DONT NOT SEND NIGGAS OTHER SMILEY FACES...unless you're gay. in which case its acceptable. otherwise don't do it. i've considered ending friendships over smiley face abuse...yes its that serious. jus like drugs...dont do it.

7. i forgot how i used to end this shit...but uhh whatever i say goes.

rules regarding thirstiness

so everybody (unless you are a truly unattractive individual...and thats hard to find i mean you gotta be a mix of beetlejuice the midget, the elephant man, and a gremlin, and you gotta have a fucked up attitude, and be broke as hell, and have a few diseases, and have some kind of mental disease...in which case you MIGHT be 100% unattractive) comes in contact with thirsty people. just to clarify what thirsty means i will give the definition (thanks urbandictionary) as well as a few examples.

Thirsty
1. Too eager to get something (especially play)
2. Desperate

examples
-the old man on the subway/metro/bus who comes and sits down next to you and proceeds to talk about how "these young folk don't know the game" or "he can take you wherever you wanna go (provided public transportation goes there)" or "he knows how to treat a woman and her body right" etc. etc.
-the old woman at church who is always talkin about how handsome you are and gives you extra long hugs that grow more uncomfortable by the second especially as the scent her old ass elizabeth taylor perfume begins to take over your nose making it difficult to breathe
-the old man at the club who should be at home watching matlock but is all decked out in an off white linen suit and some stacy adams thinking the harlem shake is still in style and tapping girls asses knowing they wont fight somebody thats one gucci song away from having a heartattack
-the middleaged man at the club with his old ass friends that thinks hes still got it and tries to pick up, hump, or just sexually assault in general any girl that dances within a 5 foot radius of him
-every que dawg (only at parties though; my roommate crossed last year and he was surprisingly picky with who he actually fucked)
-groupies (greek "sweethearts"...football "friends"...1st semester freshmen females...any girl that just gives you the "i wanna suck the foreskin off ur dick" stare everytime you talk to them...etc.)
-and many many more

now that we understand what thirst is, and what the signs are, i will give you a few rules on how to combat thirst yourself as well as how to deal with thirsty individuals...

1. always remain in control of your thirst. everybody can get a little parched sometimes, but you must not let the thirst affect your thought process. if a girl was ugly while you were gettin regular doses of cutty, she's still gonna be ugly even during a drought. if a dude is obviously a liar and a cheater while you had a boyfriend, he's still gonna be a sleazebag when you're single. just because things aren't coming as easily as before doesn't mean you should settle just to quench your thirst. its like when you're broke and you start using atlas condoms instead of trojan condoms...it doesn't seem like a big difference at that time but when you look back 5 months later when you got a set of twins on the way, you realize how much quality makes a difference.

2. if you decide your thirst is becoming outrageous, make moves but understand the consequences of your actions. if a groupie is jockin extra hard, and its been a while since u "made it do what it do," make sure you don't do anything stupid like wife the groupie up, or eat her out. you don't wanna be susceptible to diseases, and you definitely don't want any diseases in your mouth. use quality protection and put it on the way the little insert says in the box, not the "im jus ready to beat her back out ima throw this shit on" way. same applies to women...when dealin with a manwhore, don't give head, and make sure the dude straps up properly. for both sexes, if a girl or guy was below your standards when you weren't thirsty, they should still be below your standards. for this reason you should NOT enter into a long term relationship with a "droughtbuster." try to make sure he or she doesn't run his/her mouth bout yalls activities too.

3. dont take thirsty people seriously. if a dude comes at you like "i think your beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, intelligent, and everything i want in a woman" within seconds of meeting you, the thirst is obvious. if you fall for this trap, you deserve all the fucked up shit thats gonna happen to you in the future. same for males who fall for the "i only do this becuz ur special to me" shit from women they met days ago. if he says it to you within seconds, he's told other women that within seconds. if she offers to do it to you within minutes...you get where this is going. use your brain.

4. never use the words "i l*** you" to get some. no matter how bad your drought may be, this action reeks of bitchassness. don't do it. it goes against manlaw, the relationship code of ethics, the book of oprah...its just not acceptable.

5. don't send multiple people the same text, e-mail, letter, etc. telling them how much you're feeling them. just because its a drought doesn't mean you should let your "pimping" skills atrophy. use the extra time that you now have to develop and sharpen your skills to avoid future droughts. talk to yourself in the mirror, read some books and expand your vocabulary, get rid of your speech impediment, work more hours so you can buy better looking clothes, invest in the big packs of orbit they got at your local wal-mart, visit the dentist, go run around a track or at the park, lift some weights...all of these are viable alternatives to sitting around and telling a buncha people the same wack ass corny ass line.

6. opinions are mixed on how to deal with the onslaught of thirsty people that can approach you at anytime, anyplace, anywhere. i already covered how to properly interact with thirsty individuals when you yourself are a little parched as well. my personal approach is similar to that used in rule no. 2: use quality protection (i prefer the trojan magnums...i definitely dont trust durex or lifestyles), no long term relationships, and no givin head. however, should you receive head from a thirsty individual? that's a fantastic question and one i honestly can't answer. i don't but thats more of my personal preference than anything else. i guess i would say yes but be very careful...if you see too many bumps right around the lip area i wouldnt do it. theres a big difference between acne/razor bumps, and sores. but this is one rule thats kinda up in the air.

7. this is all i can think of at the moment. usually i would say something about how i can break my rules because im robert kinsey gotdamn...but in this case i can't even give myself some kind of exemption. if you see me breakin these, beat my ass.